Navigating Complex Relationships: A Mother-Daughter Journey Of Love And Resilience

Like most mother-daughter relationships, the relationship that I've had with my mom has seen its fair share of ups and downs.

My mom and I couldn't be more different. However, there are two huge personality traits that my mom and I have always shared-  we're both incredibly stubborn and we both struggle to give up control.

While my mom and I have disagreed and disagreed hard over the years, we've also loved and loved hard. It's remarkable that although my mom and I are both such passionate people, neither of us stifles the other. We may not always be on the same page, but we do respect for each other.

Several years ago our family had a scare when my mom got so sick that she had to be admitted to the hospital. We weren't sure that she would pull through and my siblings and I all jumped to take care of my dad and our three youngest siblings.

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We also took turns checking in on mom while she was in the hospital, and while we may not always participate in every family event and we may have times that we're awful when it comes to returning calls and emails when the serious stuff hits, we all come together and when we do, we create an unstoppable force.

This Mother's Day, I have a few things to tell my mom.

Dear Mom,

I'm sorry for all of the times when I was younger that I told you that I hated you. I've always felt things on a different level than most, but hate is such a strong word and I didn't really mean it, I was just spitting fire. Now that I'm a mom, I understand how much me hurling out how much I hated you must have hurt, and to the core, but I hope you know that I didn't really mean what I said. I was just being an emotional and dramatic girl and what's more dramatic than spitting fire? 

You told me not long ago that you've been cuddling kids for 44 years and that you were really sad to think that those days are coming to an end as your baby is now moving out on his own. I'm sorry that I didn't just lay in your arms a little longer when you wanted to snuggle. My boy is growing up way too fast and doesn't like to cuddle the way he used to. It hurts my heart just as I'm sure you felt hurt when I pushed away from you. If you want, I'm totally up for a visit once it's safe. We can lie next to each other and catch up, just like old times. 

When you were a single mom, you did an amazing job of handling day-to-day life with the four of us big kids. You, you were the master of going to the grocery store solo with four little ones in tow. You never lost a single one of us. Great job, Mom! No really- I can't tell you how many of my friends (and even my husband) have told me stories of getting lost while shopping with their parents. I swore when I was a kid (and still do as an adult) that you've got eyes in the back of your head.

When I look back at photos of when I was younger, I understand why you were always trying to get me to stop wearing black. You're right- I really do look more approachable when I wear vibrant colors. And you're right about my hair. I could be wearing a bag, but if my hair is washed and styled, I somehow manage to look put together. I wish I could tell you that as an adult I spend the time on my hair that you want me to, but the reality is that I don't. I'll get there one day though. Maybe when my boy is grown and I average more than four hours of sleep a night and am able to shower without company. 

I'm so sorry that when I lived under your roof I wasn't mature enough to appreciate the sacrifices you made for us kids. The lack of sleep, the missed or cold meals, not buying anything for yourself, or pampering yourself because you'd use what little money you had to make sure we were taken care of. I appreciate that now though. 

I know you probably wished that you could have given us kids more, but you did the best with what you had. If anyone could make frying a roll in butter fun, it was you. I remember times when that's all we had for food, but you made it the best thing ever and we believed. Sometimes when I'm feeling down, I grab a roll and fry it in butter. It's funny the comfort it brings me. 

Happy Mother's Day, Mom. Thanks for always keeping me on my toes and holding me accountable for my actions, even now that I'm grown. 

I love you, Mom. 

Love,
Traci